Peace

Dave & I got an Easter card from Carol & Ron which read: Peace I leave with you My peace I give you. John 14:27 (NIV) The beauty of the words took me aback! Peace is my quest. It's funny too, because I have a silver peace charm that I wear because I subscribe to the belief that if the world were a more peaceful place, man would be so much better off. Here's the irony- I believe it & profess it, but deep inside I don't posess it. My inner thoughts are nonstop. Do this, call them, a phrase from a book, random workds, you name it. I have a very restless soul-I have always been hyperactive and have become used to this state of mental calamity. Several changes in my life, over the past year were positive and intentional with the hope of creating a sort of mental ohm. I have married the first person I have ever had a relationship with that I know truly and wholly loves me. I have no trust issues, nor a reason to. Dave is who he is- no hidden agenda. Sure we argue at times, but mostly due to the fact that we can both be intense about making our points - but there is never any fear that he will always love me and be there for me. There will be no angry final exit. The second change was going to part time work. While full time, I was miserable. I was at the worst point, out for stress, on antianxiety medication and in counseling. Dave was urging me to quit because it had such an impact on our homelife. After much consideration, I decided to go part time as a first step. The positive impact has been dramatic. We have learned how to budget, which is a definite plus since we lost approximately 30k per year. I have become much less materialistic and I like that. I have taken over running th house, which I enjoy as well. I seem to be busier now that I work less outside- go figure. But there is something very rewarding about having dinner ready when Dave gets home. Whe have "family time" now. This leads to the final change- we attend the church of the pastor who wed us in October. Our congregation is only about 20, so naturally we have gotten to know everyone pretty well. We love helping out whenever we can. I small church really relies on its members. We love our pastor as well - Dave because of his music & movie knowledge- especially Star Wars, and me for his speaking style, particularily his carefully chosen words (words are beautiful) and thinking & preaching outside the box. If he ever references "In Praise of Folly" by Erasmus I will fall out of my chair..nah maybe not- but what a great sermon topic that would be! In conclusion, I thout with all of these changes, would come a peaceful heart- alas not. What is the missing piece of the puzzle? Or is it my veryquest for that answer that busies my mind-refuses to let it be still. There are physical manifestations as well: Insomnia, grinding my teeth, migraines and my psoriasis was recently flared up pretty badly. My own skin is my enemy..plastic grocery bags give me contact swelling and it was actually painful to shower yesterday. I am intelligent enough to make the connection between the physical manifestations and the psychological issues. I have always been an anxious person. I do believe that for certain people medication does provide a respite from these demons, but I rebuke that answer for myself. I think I have a case of Lexapro in my cabinet that my Dr. wants me to take, but i won't. Instead, I subscribe to the belief that a balance of mind, body & spirit causes internal peace. I will not float through life half asleep to enjoy the benefit of a quiet mind. I want to feel it-if it suck at times or is painful to the touch, so be it. Via a myriad of accidents I have had, that by all rights should have- well snuffed me out I've changed. I do not posess a fear of my death. Parallel to that, though, is the nagging thought that I have some unyet discovered purpose in life. Something I have to do. Maybe that is the exact reason for my unrest. I find myself questioning my existence. Who am I to touch, what deed am I to carry out? And then there is the feeling that I am unworthy uf such a task- why me? The final dilemna is a sort of disconnection from those i interract with. I really miss my friend Rachel in San Diego. We connected so very much and she got me. She know I'd drop out for a week or two and would leave messages asking me to just let her know I was ok- nothing more. then'd we'd pick right back up where we left off. I miss discussing literature and art with her as well. I have one friend at my current job -who is now on a different shift-that can discuss Latin phrases and Roccoco art. One person- that makes for a lonely existence. A felling akin to when I was in Morocco for a month and knew 2 people who spoke english- I could understand enough Arabic & French to get the gist of the conversation, but felt so alienated. This is a bit like I feel now. I'm there and participating but feel a bit alone-this among a wonderful circle of people. Maybe I've answered my own question, and a friend was right when they suggested that I finish college. School excites me and is all consuming. hmmm. Dave's mom gave me a weeping pussy willow yesterday. It is supposed to grant wishes. The tag says that its flexability symbolizes resilience & inspires us to move with life rather than resis what we are feeling. Legend has it that if you tie a know in a soft branch and make a wish it will happen- once the wish is granted you are to untie the knot and thank the willow for the gift. Little did shw know wht a wonderful and timely gift this was- I can't wait to plant it. Peace